When you can't find something

We lose thing a lot. Socks. Hats. Mittens. Keys. Paperwork. Neither Tom nor I are gifted at being organized. But I really get baffled when things disappear from the kitchen. Or when those reusable grocery bags disappear. I get the socks, hats, mittens, etc. Those seem easier to lose. But the orange tupperware cup?

I've discovered the land of the lost things that shouldn't be lost. It's about ten miles away, through the G wing entrance and up some stairs. The black nameplate by the door bears my husband's name. Inside are numerous things that have disappeared from my house that I have been wondering about including the cup, the grocery bag, a missing tupperware and even some mittens and a sock. Now Tom actually keeps a neat office, tucked inside bags or drawers are a few stray out- of- place things. At least the mystery is solved. It makes me laugh. So if you are missing things, maybe you should follow your husband to his place of employment.

Diabetes update

I haven't started my insulin yet. The wheels of medicine grind slowly around here. I do have appointments with the diabetes educator and the nutritionist, but not until late next week. I've been through much of this before and am anxious for the reminders and to see how the education compares. And I have a bunch of questions. For now, I am still ordering and paying for oral medications, calling my doctor regularly because my numbers are too high and waiting. I feel calmer this week--more able to handle the uncertain numbers and resigned that even with insulin I think my medication needs will constantly change until my pancreas ceases to produce any insulin.

For a while, with each new medicine or increase, I had hoped to find a stable ground. I wanted to be able to say, Yes with these meds, I can eat oatmeal and strawberries for breakfast, a bean burrito for lunch, and half a baked potato with grilled chicken, veggies, and a muffin for dinner and know with certainty that my numbers would be ok. Right now I know such things for maybe two weeks, and then my body changes and everything I know has to be adjusted. But certainty is a luxury. And I think my burdensome sadness last week came from the insulin. Going on insulin was an admission that the meds weren't working, weren't providing a sustainable way of life. And I like our children with their friends, I wanted to be like other diabetics I know, who do have consistency. But consistency doesn't build faith. Time to keep building. Thanks for everyone's sweet words.

Rainy afternoon post

Oh I've been anticipating today all week. Warm weather. Warm dirt (and yes, Smart Aleck, it smells like worms!) It was one of those mornings I wished every one would quite eating so I wouldn't have to stop to care for such needs. I had a garden to prepare. In fact, everyone in the family had big plans today, though none of the plans included fasting. I got the garden cleaned up, but the soil isn't prepared and won't be until that nasty 1 pm downpour and subseqeunt rainshowers dry up. But before that oh, it was nice, warm, and I even felt a fondness for the returning humidity. All the fun came to an end before the day was half over, thanks to some dark grey clouds. I didn't manage to capture a few treasures to share.

Do you remember the base (above) Tom built last spring for a tree house? It has been sitting in the back of our tiny city lot, waiting. All last season we were waiting for a neighbor to tear down a garage so we could get free wood. When he finally did, it was too deep into the school year and soccer season for anyone to attempt building the tree house. So this morning, the wood came out of our shed, I mean garage, and Tom started the tree house platform. Next weekend Grandpa Chris will arrive with tools and serious progress should be made!


Sorry I didn't turn this picture, but guess what I found in my garden? Carrots! In Montana, I knew a lady who planted carrots in late August, covered them with hay, and dug them up in the spring. On a cold November afternoon last year, I dumped a bunch of leaves on my garden, hoping to encourage more worms, and maybe pick some of the not-yet-ripe carrots in the spring. I didn't really think the leaves would be sufficient, but here they are. We washed them, peeled them and yum!
Surprise number two this morning. I was getting ready to dig up this brilliant green clump of grass. I got half way done when I realized they were chives. Oops! The parsley and thyme also reseeded themselves and are already growing strong and healthy clumps. Yippee!
The girls think warm weather means it is time to entertain the neighborhood by putting on princess clothes, running everywhere and singing loudly. I just wanted you to know that though they may be 5 and 7 now, their core values are still the same. LOL. After I took the picture, I told them to get out the tree until the leaves come out.

Finally, I need some expertise. These little flowers (about 6 inches tall) have all the markings of the mum family. They are growing on my the south side of my house. I have three plants like this. I've never heard of a member of the mum family blooming in April. Do you know what they are?

Long Day

I woke up every half hour last night. Tom was tossing and turning and waking me up so I finally went downstairs. My stomach felt weird. I threw up twice and then had a fever. I missed my Bible study. And I spent most of the day on the couch drifting in and out of sleep, trying to get the doctor's office to advise me on what to do when I couldn't eat and my blood sugars were high (it took three phone calls and a total of eight hours to get an answer). Hadley has a cold. That girl likes to sniff her snot back up her nose rather than blow it. It drives me crazy.

Saturday is supposed to be beautiful. I hope to be better, hope no one else is sick,and hope to finish prepping the soil in my garden. I wish I had a compost bin, but not now so a little manure and some blood meal since I know our soil is low in nitrogen should do the trick. Ohh growing season is getting close! Next week I can plant some of the cold tolerant plants: lettuces, spinach, peas, carrots. I have trays of seedlings growing in the playroom: herbs, peppers, tomatoes, broccolli, and some flowers. I like to lift the clear cover on the tray when the sun has been out for a few hours (which is rare lately). The smell of the warm dirt is delicious. Oh I am ready to get dirty! The last frost date here is unbearably late: May 31.

First taste of alcohol?

About a week ago.
Kassy: Mommy, is alcohol bad for little kids?
Me, with my eyebrows raised: Yes, why do you ask?
Kassy: Because Jill (fake name for a friend) said it was. She said the cops would come get us if tried some. And Jill gave us a squirt.
Hadley: Mommy, what does that look on your face mean?
Me, trying to look normal: I am just confused. What do you mean a squirt?
Kassy looks frantically at her sister, trying to communicate something without words and then she starts crying: Will you tell the police?
Me: Hold on girls. What happened? I promise the police won't come and get you.

There is a bottle of hair detangler in the upstairs bathroom. It's been empty of hair detangler for over a year, filled instead with water, which seems to work just as well. The girls squirted the hair detangler in their mouths. Jill read the ingredients and the second and third ingredients are kinds of alcohol, like isopropyl alcohol. There is so much to teach our kids! I did call Jill's mom and tell her the story in case Jill had told her own version. Jill was too afraid to tell the story, but her mom got a good laugh.

Diabetes, Type 1.5

Did you read my last diabetes post? No one responded so maybe it was missed. It was characterized by a sense of peace. It ended with these two sentences, "And if, in the near or far future, you know I am sinking into the depths about this disease, that for me defies all the stats and won't behave as it should, remind me relentlessly about who is in control. Because I know. I know." I think I need those reminders now.

I thought I might have a bit more time. That the acceptance might last longer. I wouldn't say it has disappeared, but a new emotional battle is rising and falling within me. I still have joy, but my emotions are fighting against my faith.

I went to my doctor on Friday. It was a good visit--one where my research and knowledge paid off, where the doctor listened to me. She even said it was a pleasure to talk to someone who actually reads about her condition (what a sad statement about her usual patients). She called my case special (Finally, someone noticed). Prior to the visit I had already diagnosed myself. I think I have LADA (Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults). Sometimes it is called diabetes type 1.5 because its characteristics fall between Type 1 (no insulin production, diagnosed usually before 25), and type 2 (insulin resistance, weight issues, diagnosed usually after age 40). Those with LADA are usually in their 30's, have a small bmi (body mass index), and no family history of diabetes. So for me that would be check, check, and check. Generally, LADA patients have some insulin production in the beginning and some success controlling their sugar numbers with medicine. Usually within five years or less of diagnosis, the LADA patients will need insulin. Most of them become type I diabetics.

My doctor was going to increase my meds. I pointed out to her that even when a med helps, usually within a month I need increased dosage or another med. I asked to go on insulin. Turns out, insulin is her med of choice, but most patients are sacred of it. It has no side effects because you are injecting human insulin, but I think its the word inject that scares people. I can give myself shots. I learned how when I was pregnant. So sometime soon, I will go through diabetic education again. This time, as a patient requiring insulin. I believe this is the best choice for me. I need a way to respond to my ever-changing insulin needs. And in the last two years, my pancreas has decreased insulin production (sounds like an economic figure). I can't remember the measurement unit, but a normal body (or a non-Type 1) produces between 0.9-4.4 units of insulin. In 2007, I was producing 2.9 units. Now I produce at the very bottom of the scale, 0.9 units.

I am excited in most senses to go on insulin. I am relieved to know that eating better or exercising more would not have stopped the progression of this disease. I have an autoimmune disease, like lupus, celiac, and rheumatoid arthritis. And the doctor said, "Autoimmune means we don't know why."

Here's the rub. Being a potential type I, or even a type 1.5, means that every meal, every snack is a thought process, a carb counting process. For a while, I thought we had found some medicines that would control this, that would allow me to be steady, to only prick my finger a few times a week. And for the rest of my life there is that machine recording my body's victories and its failures. And there is the possibility in the future of a pump, which brings health but also difficulties. I've read too much. I know the pitfalls. I'm not sure why this good treatment plan set me back emotionally so much. I'm not sure why I have returned to a place where I can't speak of this diseaes without tears. Diabetes is a generally a controllable disease. There are a few people who have lived with it for 80 yrs. "Don't let diabetes control you, don't let it set you back," they write. Ok, I won't. I will get to where you are dear 86-year-old type I woman. Diabetes isn't in control, food will not control my family. But today, dear friends, remind me of what I know. Who is in control? Today, I need to hear it.

Reality Check

This post, started as a report on life and the struggles of the day to day, but mid-way through turned into a note to Kassy, at some future age.

Kassy turned 5 on Tuesday. I need to record the day and its events, but I am still processing a wave of reality that hit me.

One of our traditions is that on your birthday, you get to pick the menu. Fruit and vegetables still need to be involved and a meal can't be made up of just candy, but you can pick the menu. Hadley had pancakes all day, every meal. Kassy had pancakes for breakfast and taco salad for dinner. For lunch though, she wanted to eat hot lunch--like all the other kids. My heart sank. I suspected Kassy was becoming more sensitive about her food allergies-- her request seemed to prove it. I checked the menu: grilled chicken patty sandwich, french fries, fruit choice. If I went with her and helped, I thought we could make this work as long as the fickle cafeteria czars didn't change the menu.

I wasn't expecting to get so choked up telling the teacher we were going to try hot lunch for the first time. And then as part of their homework, the kids were sharing favorite foods: ice cream, cookies, donuts, cake, etc. Everything they listed were forbidden in their normal form for Kassy. As each kid shared their list, I was yawning, trying not to listen, and stretching my eyes, all in an to keep the tears from coming. Denying her such treats was good for her, but no one relishes the feeling of being different.

Oh my little girl, I want to give you the world, to protect you from pain. But here, it's already arrived. In this room of little kids, you are different. Everyone suffers this realization at some time, I am sorry yours has come so soon. It's only food. But I know it bothers you.

As a baby dear girl, it was hard to not know what why you would cry. It was hard to be full of patience and gentleness when I hadn't slept for more than 4 hours at a time for months. I would worry when you ate too much and worry when you wouldn't eat. But all those concerns, they were physical. Now, as you grow, the physical tasks of parenting lessen year by year, but the emotional and social tasks grow.

And I am realizing, with a raw freshness, that part of my job as a parent will be helping, watching, and praying as you and your sister experience the pains of life. I have no idea what form they will take, but there will be pain, disappointment, illness, and betrayal. And I can't stop it. The older you get, the less control I have. Friends will call you mean names, you won't be as talented as some other little girl, life won't be fair. Reality is coming, slowly I hope, one grade at a time. I am thankful, that we have a faith to lean on. The hope and love of Christ we can grasp as we weather each undesirable curve ball is invaluable.

I am not sure why, but that hot lunch was so hard for me ( as. It was the scary monster under the bed that I had to face and it is still haunting me even though I know where my hope lies.

Our local vacation or Spring Break '09

I didn't want to spend a long time arranging pictures so here are all the pictures this post refers to; you can mix and match them to their antedotes. I had a pity party for myself right before spring break started because we didn't have any special plans. I knew at least five families going to Florida. Tom's spring break will probably never match the girls' so we won't ever have a big spring break trip as a family. And if I was you, listening to me complain, I 'd say, "It's no big deal Laura. You can have lots of fun at home."

Like the dutiful citizens that we are, we didn't spend our tax return, we saved it. All of it. We had no plans to help the economy by spending. That is, until my pity party. I took out $80 from our tax return and determined to have some fun with my family. It worked, though I don't recommend spending money as a way to combat disappointment.

On Monday, we went roller skating for the first time. The first lap around the rink made me suspect that I was crazy to think I could take two first-time skaters to the rink alone. Wide-eyed Kassy clung with all her strength and both arms to my pant leg while I focused on calming her fears and not falling on top of her (I don't think I have skated in a rink for more than a decade). So Kassy clung to one leg and Hadley held one arm, but even so I think Hads fell at least 15 times.

Hadley is a trooper though. She kept going around that rink, standing up and falling down close to 80 times that day. She flashed giant grins the whole time, even as her legs flailed underneath her. I suspect all her gymnastics and splits-practicing paid off that day. And true to her nature, Hadley made a new friend at the rink. By the end of the afternoon, Hadley could skate around the rink without falling, holding hands and giggling with her new friend (much to the chagrin of her sister).

My unwillingness to flee the rink after the first lap is the only thing that kept Kassy at the rink. I made her watch from the sides as I encouraged Hads. After two or three laps without her, Kassy decided to venture out again; this time, holding my hand and with pillowcase dangling precariously from her nose to the floor. After the second lap, Kassy needed to recoup. Such effort was draining for us both( I was almost tip- toeing around the rink as this is how fast we were going). But Kassy kept trying, and by the end of the afternoon she too could skate around the rink without falling. But Kassy is an in-control person. She only fell a handful of times, and she wouldn't skate if I pushed her. Everything had to be on her terms, in her timing--which matches her approach to everyday life.

I loved the lessons inherent in the first roller skating trip---lessons of perseverance,overcoming fear, smiling at your failures, and eventual success.

On Tuesday, the neighbor across the street had the girls over to dye eggs. She also gave the girls a basket of Easter goodies: stickers and bunnies. She knows about the food issues and is careful. Such thoughtfulness is a blessing.

On Wednesday, we went ice skating. Easily Hadley's favorite activity, the rocky beginning was another time where I questioned my sanity. Kassy clung, not to me this time, but to the wall, refusing to move at all and sobbing. The cool metal "walker" you could push around for stability did not comfort her. She watched Hadley and I. I was gliding in that ice skating motion that makes everyone look gracious for a moment. And Hadley was stomping around, falling every few steps, and smiling.l Had's perseverance was contagious and Kassy took a deep breath and went out. She would have nothing to do with me and insisted I didn't touch her. But by the end everyone could skate. Hadley could even do it without a walker and with occasional gliding motions.

Part of the fun of the $80 was having a little spending money to do things like get a drink at the snack bar at the rink. I even gave the girls a $1 each to buy any snack they wanted (not many choices at that price). We almost always bring our own food and drink everywhere we go.

Wednesday night, Tom and I had a date: dinner and a movie. Nothing fancy. But it was nice.

Thursday the girls I went swimming at the community college. And Friday we went bowling with the the little girl down the street and her mom. As usual, Kassy won. My score is definitely unreportable.

We ended the break with a dinner for friends in celebration of Christ's Resurrection. Everyone dressed up. There was ham, corn, mashed potatoes, asparagus, salad, and three desserts--including a gluten- and dairy-free Mexican chocolate cake for Kass. I love having healthy meals with a treat at the end. To add to the festivities, our dear Cody got engaged that morning to his lovely girlfriend Laura, so we celebrated that too. It was a good break, even if it wasn't as warm as Florida.

Parent Shopping

I hope the title of the post isn't offensive to my dear in-laws. I wanted to grab your attention, and really that's what this website I am going to share allows people to do. My sister-in-law and her husband have been trying to adopt for over a year now. They love the agency they are working through but for whatever reason, there are just not many mothers at the clinic who are choosing adoption right now. There aren't many people going to the agency at all. In an an effort to make themselves more widely known, they have published a profile on a website called Parent Profile. Birthmothers looking for a family can check them out and then contact them. I thought I would post a link to their profile on my blog, because you might know somebody who knows somebody....and I think they are great parents.

Kyle and Tricia's parent profile

Children in the Car

So I am craving a diaglogue with my mom friends. But they are on vacation or far away and I am insane and planned way too many activities for spring break to gather some moms for conversation. Maybe you can tell me your thoughts here. Can I leave my two girls in the car while I run into a store for a quick errand? Thirty years ago the answer was yes. I remember being left in the car while mom picked up a few groceries. How old was I, mom? I knew enough then that I would get a little worried if an unkempt man walked too close, because in my mind all kidnappers were male, unkempt, and smelly. My kids are trained, as much as is possible. They know about stranger danger, they know how to get in and out the car, and of course I consider the temperature and don't leave the keys in the car. The safety basics are covered. But in this crazy world, in this current time period, can anyone leave kids in the car alone? And if yes, how old do they have to be? Can I run in for 1 minute? or five? What about ten? Can I only run in if I can see the kids from the window of the store, like at UPS or if I park strategically at the post office? Is this a practice from the olden days that can't continue? A practice that can only continue in small towns? What do you think? Do you shake your head shamefully if you see kids alone in the car?

Diabetes update

My numbers look good right now. Fasting has been between 90-120 and post meals are generally about 130-150. They are good. But I am taking three medicines ( to the tune of $65 a month with insurance) and actually think I am over- medicated because to keep from having lows I have to eat extra carbs. In some ways this is nice, like last night I was at a party and could indulge in some ice cream because the meal was low carb. My blood sugar reading after all the fun was only 141. Nice. The down side is I can indulge more, which isn't healthy. And I don't really need more food. Or maybe I do; I had disciplined myself to eat only about 30-40g of carbs per meal (just for fun, count your carbs for each of three meals in a day--how much do normal people who don't automatically count carbs eat in a typical meal?). And now I have to eat 60g and have to carry around fruit, or some kind of quick sugar like candy because I frequently forget to snack. I had stopped snacking much to keep my numbers from being so high. I have been eating more fruit though which I love. I don't know. I will go this Friday for my lab tests and actually go into the office on the 18th to talk with the doctor. I do like this weekly contact with the doctor. It makes checking my numbers purposeful. 

Sometimes I dream of not thinking about food. What if I could just go somewhere and eat whatever? Even if God healed my diabetes tomorrow, I don't think I will ever be that person again. I have learned too much. I have experienced too much conviction about eating well, about feeding those in my care well. I have experienced much pleasure in serving guests healthy meals and giving them ideas about new foods to try. Friends I have arrived. At least for this day and these circumstances. But I think I have come to a place of peace that will endure. I know that for my young age and my small stature, this diabetes is on the fast track to trouble. Growing old with such quickly worsening diabetes could be really hard. God could heal or not. It could be my burden to bear or my testimony of healing to share. Either way, I am at peace, knowing he will not give me more than I can handle 

I long to check my blood sugars less frequently so my fingers don't have little bruise marks on them. But through divine transformation,  I can look at this diabetes and know that God is in control. Diabetes may be a gift. A forced reliance on Him. A chance to release myself from feeling of failure when all things are not as they should be. A forced opportunity to eat well and someday, I swear, to develop a habit of exercise. That time is coming. For now, I've learned to empathize with the overweight person who can't eat well or the smoker who can't quit. I get those problems now. And I know, beyond doubt, that true change for them and for me, won't come from a determination within (maybe temporarily it will), but from Christ who promises to live within me because I placed my faith in him. 

And while I've said it before, I must release it again because it bubbles out each time I write these updates. Thank you for reading these updates and for encouraging me, God used you. And if, in the near or far future, you know I am sinking into the depths about this disease, that for me defies all the stats and won't behave as it should, remind me relentlessly about who is in control. Because I know. I know. 

Private Parenting Tip

The topic below is a sensitive one. Just so you know in advance. 

In Montana, Hadley's preschool covered good touch/bad touch as part of the curriculum. Initially I was a little alarmed, but the teachers had a parent night where they presented the curriculum for parents prior to teaching the kids. The stuff they used was really well done and very appropriate. And honestly, I had been clueless about a good way to approach such a subject with small kids. The curriculum gave me insights. I assumed the curriculum was probably popular and widely used, but Kassy's preschool won't be covering the good touch/ bad touch lessons. So, because I think it is helpful, I will share the basics of what I learned. I can't remember the curriculum name or the name of the cute video they used (which was wonderful...even though it seems impossible to make a wonderful video on this topic). 

First, use swimsuits to teach private parts. It's up to you if you want to use anatomical names or not. Based on swimsuits, you can show that girls have two private areas and boys have one. 

Second, was a little saying: Private parts are private. No one should touch them except for a few adults who need to help keep you clean and healthy. 

Then define clean and healthy: wiping, washing, doctor check-ups, and in the case of my girls, applying ointment to yeast infections. Give examples of adults who might need to help keep a kid clean and healthy: caretakers and doctors. Every one's list of caretakers varies. 

Teach your kids to say "No" and move away if they aren't sure a touch is appropriate. And teach them that any adult who asks them to keep a secret from Mommy and Daddy is deceitful and must be not be trusted. Always tell mommy and daddy. (Of course, Hadley wanted to know about surprise presents...there are always exceptions). 

We can't guarantee safety for our kids since most of can't, and don't want to, be with our kids all the time. The stats about how most abuse occurs by someone a family knows and trusts is alarming. I think teaching our kids a few simple ideas could be helpful. Has anyone had similar conversations with their kids? Any suggestions?

 

Knowing my kid

Yesterday, I had the routine parent-teacher conferences for both girls. I've never loved these. We've never had a fantastic teacher, and probably never will because my expectations are way too high. They were too high for myself when I was the teacher. Both my girls are doing well in school: good behavior, good social skills, learning what they need to learn. So there is no problem. But I generally leave a conference disappointed because my on paper and in the unspoken words of the teacher, my kids are just ordinary kids who require evaluation.  

Here's my problem. Like most mothers, I adore my kids. I think my girls are wonderful, charming, amazing creatures. I know they don't always act perfectly, but I want the teachers to love them, appreciate them and see how marvelously special my girls are. It doesn't happen. How could it? Usually there are over 2 dozen kids in a classroom (Kassy's preschool would be an exception). The teacher needs to teach, keep the kids in line, manage endless papers, be creative, deal with tattling, and the list goes on. Sometimes the only break an elementary school teachers gets is lunchtime, and if it is too cold to go outside, well then the kids are nightmarishly hyper after lunch. The class is a class, not 24 individuals. And unless you have a kid who really stands out in personality, academics, or behavior ( and stand-out behavior is generally not a good thing), she is isn't likely to be noticed often. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Hadley gets ignored (this post is really mostly about her--preschool for us has been much more personal). Mostly, I need to vent and  since the teacher didn't notice, I really just want to tell someone, "Hey, take note  My kids are special, awesome, and super cool. "

Food Expansion

It's been almost a month since I posted on Food Expansion. Today I posted a link to a new favorite recipe for lentil burgers. They are cheap and easy and filling. I was surprised by how much my family liked them. And since I've been trying to save money and be healthy, I've been trying to eat more beans lately. This is a great make ahead recipe. Check it out.