Reality Check

This post, started as a report on life and the struggles of the day to day, but mid-way through turned into a note to Kassy, at some future age.

Kassy turned 5 on Tuesday. I need to record the day and its events, but I am still processing a wave of reality that hit me.

One of our traditions is that on your birthday, you get to pick the menu. Fruit and vegetables still need to be involved and a meal can't be made up of just candy, but you can pick the menu. Hadley had pancakes all day, every meal. Kassy had pancakes for breakfast and taco salad for dinner. For lunch though, she wanted to eat hot lunch--like all the other kids. My heart sank. I suspected Kassy was becoming more sensitive about her food allergies-- her request seemed to prove it. I checked the menu: grilled chicken patty sandwich, french fries, fruit choice. If I went with her and helped, I thought we could make this work as long as the fickle cafeteria czars didn't change the menu.

I wasn't expecting to get so choked up telling the teacher we were going to try hot lunch for the first time. And then as part of their homework, the kids were sharing favorite foods: ice cream, cookies, donuts, cake, etc. Everything they listed were forbidden in their normal form for Kassy. As each kid shared their list, I was yawning, trying not to listen, and stretching my eyes, all in an to keep the tears from coming. Denying her such treats was good for her, but no one relishes the feeling of being different.

Oh my little girl, I want to give you the world, to protect you from pain. But here, it's already arrived. In this room of little kids, you are different. Everyone suffers this realization at some time, I am sorry yours has come so soon. It's only food. But I know it bothers you.

As a baby dear girl, it was hard to not know what why you would cry. It was hard to be full of patience and gentleness when I hadn't slept for more than 4 hours at a time for months. I would worry when you ate too much and worry when you wouldn't eat. But all those concerns, they were physical. Now, as you grow, the physical tasks of parenting lessen year by year, but the emotional and social tasks grow.

And I am realizing, with a raw freshness, that part of my job as a parent will be helping, watching, and praying as you and your sister experience the pains of life. I have no idea what form they will take, but there will be pain, disappointment, illness, and betrayal. And I can't stop it. The older you get, the less control I have. Friends will call you mean names, you won't be as talented as some other little girl, life won't be fair. Reality is coming, slowly I hope, one grade at a time. I am thankful, that we have a faith to lean on. The hope and love of Christ we can grasp as we weather each undesirable curve ball is invaluable.

I am not sure why, but that hot lunch was so hard for me ( as. It was the scary monster under the bed that I had to face and it is still haunting me even though I know where my hope lies.