Tidbits

Can you tell I've been sick? Two weeks and counting. I finally went to the doctor this past Wednesday and got an antibiotic and cough medicine with codeine. I used the cough medicine for two nights and can now sleep without its aid. The symptoms are slowly reversing themselves. First the cough left, then the mucus seized draining down my throat and is currently stuck in my head. T is sick now too( Side note: He is a terrible patient. Resting quietly around the house is like torture for him--he paces around the house looking anxious when he is supposed to be relaxing.) I don't know if the girls aren't sick because they've already had this or if they will be the next victims. I hope K doesn't get this bug as it comes with so much phlegm that she's sure to get an ear infection.

So, sickness drains energy. I used my energy to do the necessities and didn't blog as Amanda noted in her last comment. I am definitely better though since I had even energy this week to try a new gluten-free apple cinnamon muffin recipe with buckwheat flour. It didn't have much of the typical starches that most GF recipes have, plus it had walnuts for protein and agave nectar for sugar ( a honey-like sweetener with a low number on the glycemic index) so I got to eat muffins too.

My mom was here almost two weeks ago. I haven't had a chance to mention it. She came for H's play. It was great having her around for the first sick week. She is so helpful and encouraging. Plus, she does things like clean the kitchen fan and the bottom of the refrigerator. I wish we lived closer and I wish I hadn't taken her picture in front of the screen door. Love you mom, thanks for the loan dad.

H's big news for the week involves gymnastics. After her first 11-week session she was invited to join the Ladybugs. She was so excited to be singled out in this way and doubly so since her latest best friend is in Ladybugs (and in her 1st grade class). Ladybugs is a pre-team group. That means they meet twice a week for 1.5 hours each time. And they have fun meets: meets at the local gym with judging, but not with the same strict standards. There are no real winners, just ribbons for everyone and a bit of competitive experience. BUT, I don't want to spend three hours in the gym in week, and I don't have that kind of money. Plus soccer starts in May and if you were reading this blog in the fall, you know how busy those six weeks are. So, probably she will be heart broken and have to stay in the recreational gymnastics class and just go once a week. But it was an exciting accomplishment. I've had several reminders lately that its not a good for kids to get everything they want, especially without much effort.

It is 2 am. I want sleep. But if I dare to lie down this raw throat of mine will be rocked by coughing and sleep won't come. It avoids convulsing bodies. If I exhaust myself enough maybe I can sleep sitting up? Not yet. I cleaned and did laundry for a while starting at 1 am and now I am here, trying not to count the hours until I can call the doctor, trying not to wonder what this lack of sleep (this is night #2) is doing to my already ailing body. I didn't log on to get pity though. I have a story, from my past that won't leave. It needs telling. My girls, when they are old enough to appreciate the complicated dances of attraction that we play, will love it. This is for them.

T can be entrancing. I like to watch him, to listen to him talk. His brain moves swiftly, much faster than any other person I know and it idles on topics that interest, almost always (it's the sports gear that I don't care for so much). But long before I knew that T's intellect was attractive, I noticed he was attractive.

I was a freshman in college. I'd seen T, a junior, several times helping to lead the Christian meeting I checking was out. He stood out as a TDH(you know Tall, Dark, and Handsome). And he was older, which was appealing. I can remember the exact concrete flanked corner I was turning to go to the food service the first time I actually met T. We were both with friends who knew each other. We were introduced.

My maiden name is Bippus. It's unique. T noticed. Not one to charm the ladies, his very first question to me was, "Bi-pus? Does that mean two pussing wounds?"

Nothing in my relationship with T has followed storybook romance. I don't mind. This story still makes me laugh.

It's Monday (again)

Growing up that fat, lasagna-eating cat named Garfield was really popular. He helped make Monday into a bad word with his comics. I've never minded Mondays really, starting a new week isn't bad thing. As I face my numbers though, and lack thereof, Monday isn't so exciting. But I am thankful for my dear friends who send reminders and bits of encouragement. Never before in my adult life have I really dealt with disease, and the emotions that barge their way into life because of disease are so surprising to me. So is the revelation that I am not as disciplined as I thought. Had I met someone like me before my diagnosis, I would have shook my head and thought, "What's the big deal? Just check your numbers, make the adjustments and move on." It should be so easy, but if you've been reading for long, you know it hasn't been. So thank you dear friends, for reading and checking these little updates; it encourages me tremendously to know you are walking with me.

So first, I met a new doctor on Wednesday. She changed my medicine again. She disliked the choices of my previous doctor. She wants me to check my numbers twice a day, and then fax them to her in two weeks. So now I am accountable to her and to you. I like having the doctor in on this gig. She took away the medicine that was causing the lows and added this new one at a low dosage, 15mg (low dose with a startlingly high price). She thinks I will need more but I guess starting at the lower dosages is proper procedure. So it might be a month or two before my numbers look good again. It's all a guessing game. She wants to run more lab tests, but the insurance won't pay for another round until April. So we will wait until April to check cholesterol and A1C again. She will also run a C-peptide.

What did I think of the new doctor? I won't know for a few months. She was kind, attentive, and not in a hurry. All that is true of my previous doctor too. The new doctor does seem more knowledgeable about diabetic drugs and more aggressive. She is alarmed at how quickly my numbers keep going up, especially since I am young and not overweight. I like that she is alarmed. I want someone, who knows the ins and outs of medicine to pay attention to such details. And she wanted to run the C-peptide, which is what I wanted. A C-peptide blood test measures how much insulin my pancreas is actually producing (I am awed by the amount of stuff they figure out from a blood sample). We both suspect that my pancreas is getting closer and closer to zero insulin production. I can't wait to go to the lab and get that test done!

Enough medical talk. Numbers--there aren't many. I was sick all week. My mom was here. H had a play. What can I say? If you are around me at dinner time and after, will you help me remember to check my numbers? And the ones that I do have, they appear determined to creep upwards.
2/18 fasting 149
*started new medicine morning of the 20th
2/20 fasting 153
2/20 before lunch 103 (felt funny, thought I would check)
2/21 fastng 164
2/22 fasting 136
2/23 fasting 160

My Little Water Droplet

At H's school, each grade does a play every year. The play is usually tied thematically to a unit of study. H has been studying weather and probably knows more about barometers than I do. The first grade play this year was titled, "The Weather Show." H's roll this year was as a water droplet! I don't know which parents did the costumes, but they were impressive.

Last year in Kindergarten you could see H shaking while she said her line in the microphone. She stared at the audience, wide-eyed and terrified the whole play. This year, she lost most of that stage fright, did her dancing with noticeable enjoyment and said her line clearly and with emotion. I was so proud. Here's a link to a short video for the grandparents and aunts who want to see it. I used my camera, so the video quality is very poor, but you will get the idea. The song they are singing is about the water cycle: evaporation and precipitation. They sing things like, "even in a puddle/rive/lake we get hot, then evaporation.We go up, we come down...." H's line is "Come on drops. Let's give her a lift." It's funny how proud a mom feels about little things like a single line in the first grade play.

Mondays and Numbers

Here's what usually happens on Mondays. Always I remember, it's Monday and I need to post numbers. Usually I lookover the numbers, feel guilty for not taking enough readings and try to slip in a few more throughout the day. If I do this and I postpone posting on this blog until after 2:30 pm, then the post doesn't happen. I get surrounded bythe responsibilities of motherhood in the form of food, homework, mediating, and winter clothing.

And honestly this was a bad week for numbers. I didn't check too many times last week because of a wait for test strips. The ease of not thinking about blood sugars, of trying to eat well but not checking sucked me in. I unconsciously tried to stay in that place of relaxation too long. I barely did any numbers this week and I have no good excuse. The return to the world of checkinf this week has been painful. Literally and emotionally. My fastings (first thing in the morning) are moving up again and I don't have an explanation. If I had been checking my post-dinner readings I might have a better clue, though in theory, my post-dinner reading should have little bearing on my early morning readings.

And on Sunday, my blood was stubborn and my meter was stubborn. It took, not one poke, not two but five pokes to finally get a reading. And then that reading was high. How I wished I could scream.

Here are my three readings. As a reminder early morning reading should be around 90, the lowest I've gotten has been in the 110 range. But these are a bit higher.

Tues 2/17 first thing in the morning 148
Mon 2/16 first thing in the morning 155
Sun 2/15 first thing in the morning 131

Thanks for walking this journey with me. I have an appointment with a new doctor on Wednesday.

Lessons we are learning

• MOOOOOMMM. My girls will yell at me from all parts of the house. The expectation is that I will come. This is my fault because I usually do. No more. I am not a servant and those silly girls don't need me every time they call, they just want me. So we had a talk about respecting people's time. One way you can do this I explained is to not expect people to wait on you, to not scream in the house but rather go find the desired person and ask the necessary questions. The breaking of this screaming habit is going okay. Really, it is such habit for me to respond that I am the one who is doing more mental work with this problem than they are. So this morning, in the shower, H started screaming, "MMMMMMOM!" I stayed put and didn't answer. Didn't even move from under the warm stream. I had told her I would be in the shower and Tom was home. She finally came and found me. She left, leaving the bathroom door wide open (another thing we are working on because all the wonderful warm air escapes). Not even a minute went by and K started screaming for me. She screamed "MMMMOM!" at least six times before I heard a precious knock on the shower door. A knock...how quaint. I answered her question and she left, closing the door behind her.
• H is obsessed with learning to do a headstand--doesn't matter really where she is or what she is wearing (my girls like leotard and swimsuits and tutus and run around in our cold house wearing only the required garments for modesty all the time). I regularly walk into a room to find her falling from a failed headstand attempt or upside down in a funny tripod position.
• K is working on obeying right away. I swear the girl doesn't know the meaning the word hurry. I am regularly late because I forget to account for her pokiness. Once in a while she has a victory and gets ready quickly. She then seeks the appropriate praise. I guess if she knows to seek the praise, then she must know how to hurry!
• H is a romantic by nature. She loves all people, never wants anyone to leave, loves to hug and kiss everyone (she makes many of her friends uncomfortable), and sees potential in all things, whether flesh or plastic. For over a year now she has been fascinated by cursive writing. She thinks it is beautiful. Until her teacher made her stop, she would put curlicues on all her letters. Today I taught her to write "I love you" in cursive.
• I am learning to let go, a continuous lesson that goes on all the time in my life. Right now I am learning to let go of food. By nature I am a penny pincher. But the people I admire are the ones who give, who can allow others to consume their resources freely without regret. At K's preschool I volunteered to bring cookies for the Valentine's party. I was excited that every kid in the room would have a cookie that looked just like K's on his or her plate. I love it when K can feel normal (I am not sure she really cares). So I bring the to-die-for chocolate chip cookies I can't stop blogging about and anxiously wait. I didn't know that there would also be chocolate cupcakes, heart -shaped sugar cookies and candy on each plate (except K's!). Well, while the gluten-free cookies are yummy, they weren't attractive compared to the other things on the plate. Most of the class never touched the cookies. Those little kids were stuffed! Most of the cookies went in the garbage. If no one had been looking around, I would have dug them out of the garbage. I wanted to scream, "No wait, those were handmade, not store bought, and the ingredients are expensive, you have to try them." But I stood there, smiling, chatting and trying to hid my angst. "Let it go Laura," I tell myself. "Focus on what is important. "

Triumph (and numbers)

If left unchecked, my mind doesn't naturally flow toward worship, usually it flows toward self pity. I beat down my self pity this week and won though--thanks to some prayer and some reflection on traits I want my kids to have.

Two weeks ago at my MOPS group, they announced that instead of the usual breakfast fare, everyone would bring chocolate and we would indulge. My response to the announcement was not about the health of my friends, it was pity for myself. Did they forget I had diabetes? Why not just torture me? And on and on my brain raced. And then God stopped the rantings of my head. I don't want or expect people to change their habits for my health issues. I don't think everyone in my presence should give up the sweets they love to make me happy. And I want to be strong enough to go to a chocolate potluck and not feel bad about what I can't eat. Short of a miraculous healing, my diabetes is probably a lifelong disease. While food issues have made me acutely aware of the important role food plays in gatherings, I want to get over my pity parties and participate. The chocolate potluck was two weeks away; there was time.

I've been praying for months for more discipline and strength regarding my diabetes. Today was my first major victory. I remembered a chocolate cheesecake recipe in a diabetes recipe that I had wanted to make for my birthday last year. Time and self-pity kept me from making it. This week, I went to the store, ingredients for the cheesecake in hand. I bought all the ingredients, made the lovely cheesecake you see above and thoroughly enjoyed eating my 15g of carbs per slice cheesecake. Because I can safely eat 60g of carbs for breakfast, I picked a few other treats, guessing about their carb count and indulged, just like everyone else. I even packed a bag of almonds in my purse that I ate for the protein.

That pity party seems silly now. If I plan, I can enjoy some part of most meals. And the honest truth is that uncontrolled diabetes has serious consequences. It can even kill. And while I am young I might have a chance to alter the seriousness of this disease. While this disease is a big deal, I have some control over it. Thanks God, for the perspective and the victory. Forgive me for all the whining.

And dear Amanda, thank you for your reminder about Monday number posting. I am grateful you noticed. And without further ado, here are some numbers

2/7 before breakfast 121
2/8 before breakfast 132
2/9 before breakfast 118
2/9 after breakfast 150 (fig/flax waffles and half a grapefruit)
2/9 after lunch 114 (Amy's rice, bean, and cheese burrito--these are some of my favorite and I haven't ever checked after lunch to see how my body handles them....yea!)

There aren't many numbers to report as I ran out of test strips and had to wait for new ones...

Oh joy. For at least four days this week I have been sitting in the living room, mid morning, soaking up sun rays and being warm. And then this weekend, I left my coat in the house and went ran in errands in just my sweater. The girls rode their bikes outside today and played on their friend's swing set. It was releasing. I tried to take a picture of the first bike ride of the year, but I forgot my camera was on video and the memory card was almost full, so I got a nice 9 second video of the event. You can watch it below. With this little warm hiatus, I can make it through February now.

And since all my technology is back in working order, I also posted some pics for your enjoyment. The first three are paper dolls that H drew. One is her, one is K, and one is T---can you tell which is which? Then there is K at the inauguration, and a picture of H and her three missing teeth. She was so pumped to lose a tooth, then two, the natural way, as opposed to having her sister bang them out with her head. H told me she looks like a Jack-O-Lantern. She thinks it is cute and loves to drink with a straw stuck in those funny holes. She also claims she can now curl her tongue (genetically not possible for her) because if she sticks her tongue through the holes, it looks curled, to her.

What to love about February

The moms I know are sick. Sick of winter. Sick of sickness. Sick of cold. Sick of shoveling. Sick of children making giant messes inside all day. So I challenge them to join me in listing the things we can love about February.

• For starters, only 23 days until March. March is when I can start some indoor seedlings.
• February is when several online plant warehouses offer steep discount for ordering early. If you have a perennial you've always wanted, check out www.bluestoneperenniels.com or let me know your favorite gardening site.
• Even if your husband ignores Valentine's day, your kids probably won't.
• This might be the last month you can ice skate outdoors. Go find a rink and start skating.
• Soups are still fabulous in February.
• Ok..I'm having trouble and my list isn't very impressive. What else can you love about February?
• I thought of one more, but it's more personal. My mom is coming. Yippee! She's coming to see H's 1st grade play. It is a weather play and she is a water droplet. I promise to post pictures as first graders dressed as water droplets, rainbows, lightning bolts, clouds, wind sisters, etc. promises to be precious. So only 14 days until the 1st grade play!

New Scary Frontiers

In general, I have a laid back parenting style. I don't worry too much and try, with some success, to trust the Lord with my darlings. There is one area though that is looming ever larger as the girls grow that makes me panic. I don't know how to handle it. I am not especially fond of the limitless communication it provides (thought I myself enjoy the benefits of it). And the parents who have gone before me don't know much more about what to do than I do.

Oh technology, technology, technology. Internet and chat worlds, cell phones, ipods, blackberries and texting. I prefer the old questions like, do we let our kids have a phone in her room? Now we have to decided if we get the kids a phone. If the answer is yes do we get one of those limited plans where the phone only dials about three numbers. Or do we allow them into the world of their peers where they text and text and text some more. Facebook page? My Space? Rules for when the ipod can and can't be plugged into the ears need to be considered. And then there are all those endless things on the Internet.

I've learned a few things from watching other parents and from reading. The computer can't be in a secluded corner. It must be in a busy, open room. Take the cell phone away at night to keep teenagers from staying up too late and texting. But that's all I know. And I worry about these things, because I don't know how to navigate them. I don't want to navigate them. I like pretending they don't exist, but that strategy won't work.

A neighbor girl introduced H to Pixie Hollow online. It's Tinker Belle's world. H creates her own fairy and then flies through the world, playing games, decorating her "home," etc. It's cute and fun. H has a Webkinz (a stuffed animal with a code to play with an animated version of your animal online). But she didn't love Webkinz world nearly as much as she loved the cute stuffed animal. But this fairy site was made for little girls like H. It's still a bit old for her, so she needs my help a lot. But here's where I freaked out. The other fairies, made by other little girls (presumably) can make friends with each other and "chat." Whoa. Alarm, sirens and other scary warning signs exploded in my mind when some random fairy named Cherryblossom Pearwings asked to make friends with H's fairy, Oakflower. A new rule was formed. "You can play on this site, but no making friends" (take that rule out of context and it sounds mean). I've seen too many news stories about online predators. And I was shocked at how panicked I felt.

We did go back online the next day, phone in hand. We called the neighbor and she logged onto Pixie Hollow. Oakflower and the neighbor's fairy Lavendar Lovelycup are now friends. If they are online together they fly together and play leapfrog. It's cute and I still feel in control.

Oh dear me. As my girls age, my controls slip just a little. And I have to trust. Trust God to guide me with my parenting, to protect H and K with full understanding that there are consequences to sin. So I want to grab them and guide them and make sure they don't misstep. But someday I will have to let them make mistakes, be big ones and who knows who will be behind some of those friends they make. Parenting may just be my greatest faith journey yet.

Numbers

I hate February. I've usually had enough of winter by February and get angry at the snow and ice that won't stop. So this year I am trying a new approach, only 26 more days to March. And March is the beginning of birthday season at my house (and I love birthdays) and that's when I can start planting seeds indoors for later use in my precious garden. Only 26 days 'til March.
My numbers are a bit better this week, closer to the desired range. Still didn't get a lunch reading. Need to order more test strips...almost out...there might not be many numbers to report next week if I don't get more (have to mail order them in order for insurance to pay)

Sat 1/31 after dinner 124 (toast with PB, cheese and crackers, 1.2 grapefruit, 5 baby carrots, 1/2 cup of mac and cheese with tuna---a hodgepodge dinner)
Sat 1/31 fasting 112
Thurs 1/29 after dinner 91 (A naked tender wrap from Buffalo Bill's and chips)
Wed 1/28 after dinner 127 (can't remember and didn't write it down)
Wed 1/28 fasting 130
Tues 1/26 after dinner 120 (lentil and sausage soup, salad, salatines, apple)
Tues 1/26 fasting 106

Oh and if you have time, head over to my Food Expansion blog to vote about the grains you use. I really do want to know (Laurie T...did you vote?)