Diabetes update

My numbers look good right now. Fasting has been between 90-120 and post meals are generally about 130-150. They are good. But I am taking three medicines ( to the tune of $65 a month with insurance) and actually think I am over- medicated because to keep from having lows I have to eat extra carbs. In some ways this is nice, like last night I was at a party and could indulge in some ice cream because the meal was low carb. My blood sugar reading after all the fun was only 141. Nice. The down side is I can indulge more, which isn't healthy. And I don't really need more food. Or maybe I do; I had disciplined myself to eat only about 30-40g of carbs per meal (just for fun, count your carbs for each of three meals in a day--how much do normal people who don't automatically count carbs eat in a typical meal?). And now I have to eat 60g and have to carry around fruit, or some kind of quick sugar like candy because I frequently forget to snack. I had stopped snacking much to keep my numbers from being so high. I have been eating more fruit though which I love. I don't know. I will go this Friday for my lab tests and actually go into the office on the 18th to talk with the doctor. I do like this weekly contact with the doctor. It makes checking my numbers purposeful. 

Sometimes I dream of not thinking about food. What if I could just go somewhere and eat whatever? Even if God healed my diabetes tomorrow, I don't think I will ever be that person again. I have learned too much. I have experienced too much conviction about eating well, about feeding those in my care well. I have experienced much pleasure in serving guests healthy meals and giving them ideas about new foods to try. Friends I have arrived. At least for this day and these circumstances. But I think I have come to a place of peace that will endure. I know that for my young age and my small stature, this diabetes is on the fast track to trouble. Growing old with such quickly worsening diabetes could be really hard. God could heal or not. It could be my burden to bear or my testimony of healing to share. Either way, I am at peace, knowing he will not give me more than I can handle 

I long to check my blood sugars less frequently so my fingers don't have little bruise marks on them. But through divine transformation,  I can look at this diabetes and know that God is in control. Diabetes may be a gift. A forced reliance on Him. A chance to release myself from feeling of failure when all things are not as they should be. A forced opportunity to eat well and someday, I swear, to develop a habit of exercise. That time is coming. For now, I've learned to empathize with the overweight person who can't eat well or the smoker who can't quit. I get those problems now. And I know, beyond doubt, that true change for them and for me, won't come from a determination within (maybe temporarily it will), but from Christ who promises to live within me because I placed my faith in him. 

And while I've said it before, I must release it again because it bubbles out each time I write these updates. Thank you for reading these updates and for encouraging me, God used you. And if, in the near or far future, you know I am sinking into the depths about this disease, that for me defies all the stats and won't behave as it should, remind me relentlessly about who is in control. Because I know. I know.