Feeling

H's gone...in first grade until 3:15. K's gone...in preschool until 3:00. T is gone...working until 5ish. Cody is gone...don't know where. The dryer is tumbling. My ears are ringing. But mostly it is quiet. The sun is streaming through the big windows. Outside the trees are shaking softly from the wind. It is so quiet. I am alone. I have time to look around me and breath deeply, if only for this day. I am alone on the couch with my green tea, my body filled with emotions that won't come out because I don't know what I feel. Which feeling do I pull out and describe? Six and a half years of home with the kids and all the struggles and joys it brings. Six years of longing for more regular time alone. It's here. Now what? Don't misunderstand. I have a long list of things to do, goals to accomplish, things to learn. I am excited for this strange time all to myself but also anxious that it might get filled too quickly and taken away. For now I am sitting, weighed down by sadness, anticipation, love, hope, fear. All of these for my children, for me. It's time once again to redefine. I can't seem to move. I don't want to. I like just feeling. Tomorrow I'll tackle the lists.