Being an only child, I think I am missing some of the basic information about how to raise kids. I don't get it. My girls are fighting, bickering, pushing. Everyday. The widow next door, who raised two girls, tells me to leave them alone, getting in the middle will only make me the bad gal. Most people laugh when I tell them how frustrated I am. It's like they all know this secret about how much fighting is to come and think my frustration at such an early age is amusing. But really, I wouldn't let them treat friends or visitors the way they treat each other. All the scripture that I know teaches us to act opposite of their behavior. Is this time of war really something I am supposed to resign myself to? I don't want to. It's wrong.
I've been praying daily that God would give me wisdom to help them. He hasn't shown me the solution, but he has calmed me down so that for two or three days now I have been more patient, calmer in my reactions to their fights. He has also let me see that K is growing, changing and Hadley is fighting it. They've always had an odd relationship where K does more of the creating of the imaginary games than H. About a year and a half ago H told me this was because K has a better imagination. Now, Kis not being so submissive. While she created the games, Hadley always got the choice part: the princess, the kitten, the mermaid. K doesn't want to settle for second fiddle anymore and she's willing to inflict pain to make her point. Sigh, I am drained from all the refereeing. Holiday weeks can be long. All activities get cancelled and without family in town to replace those activities, I fall short on my adult time.
I know there are at least half a dozen moms who regularly read this blog. These questions are for you (and now I know you read this Sarah!) When your children are mean to each other, what do you do? How many infractions before you separate for them a long time? What's your rule about tattling? Do you take a hands off approach or do you intervene? Do you teach conflict solving techniques, which ones have worked well? What you have to say..I need the advice and the encouragement!
I am going to post an unrelated video now mostly for the amusement of my relatives and distant friends. Hopefully it won't cancel the SOS of the previous paragraphs. The girls usually settle into a time of enjoying each other after dinner (yes it takes eight hours lately to get there). This video is during a pretend musical. H has heard of High School Musical but has not seen it. She knows it involves singing. This video was part of their version. I don't think I will pursue their auditions for America's Got Talent!
9 comments:
I was just telling Amanda this morning how the boys have started fighting (Adam-5, Tommy-3). They used to bicker, but now they are on the ground battling it out! I honestly don't know what to do, either. Amanda said separate them, go to different rooms. They really hate that and seem to come around quickly if they are cut off from the other kids. I am not good with discussing and coming up with solutions. I just want them to love each other!!!
Can't wait to see everyone else's solutions!
OK, I just watched your video and now I'm cracking up. I don't have 2 girls close in age (yet) so I don't see this kind of entertainment.
I don't usually comment on blogs (as you've noticed, but since you specifically pleaded. . . Can't say I have a solution for you, but this is what we do. It is probably different with a boy and a girl, but they do fight. They typically both get disciplined because neither is being a peacemaker. I refer to the peacemaker principles (peacemaker.net and check out young peacemaker). They have attended the peacemakers club summer program for two years now so are familiar with them themselves. Per Don't Make Me Count to Three, we also memorize the scriptures pertaining to conflict and we review those when we talk about what they did wrong and how they should have responded (and hopefully will next time - hope springs eternal!)
One thing I can say for sure - it is a lifetime learning process, so there will always be conflict but with prayer it can be a little better handled each time. And such a reminder each time for me as I teach the principles to remember to be using them myself. Very convicting!
Thanks for commenting dear. I love it. I miss you.
When your children are mean to each other, what do you do?
Seperate them! Yes. Esp. if one is heated and lost her head.
How many infractions before you separate for them a long time? Well I can only assume that the one kid doesn't want to play with the other who is being mean (for lack of better words) until she can agree to play nice together.
What's your rule about tattling? I try to keep emma from doing it esp. if its silly. I say if they are about to hurt themselves and I give examples. Otherwise I just say okay when she tells me something silly andrews picking his Nooossee.
Do you take a hands off approach or do you intervene?
Negotiating is a skill they will need for their lives and what a great place to learn how to deal with a nasty co-woker than at home!
Do you teach conflict solving techniques, which ones have worked well?
Yep. I started young. Like ripping toys out of each others hands. and saying "you are teaching johnny to treat you that way" that seems to go a long way.
I like the book "negotiating with your child even when you think you shouldn't" I can lend it to you. You have to give them tools!! I hear emma trying to talk her brother into something and I am so proud of how she hands it.
I was an only child also. I dated a guy who faught with his bro sister and dad?!? They had holes in their walls. They were middle class well educated poeple. I can see how tempers get to that point.
I absolutely do not allow my kids to fight. There is a no hitting, pinching, biting etc. rule here. This is something I worried about. I don't want to live like that. ohhh.
When I asked people with mulitple kids they said we just don't let them do it.
Mothering matters and I am so proud you are going for it!! I screw up ohhh every ten minutes. Emma reminds me "we don't say stupid mom". Hang in there and you are doing great!! Now I have to check the peace maker thing out!
Teaching kids to share and play nice is like being a therapist. Your the mediator.
When I hear someone screaming I stop them and say whats wrong then i get e flood of comments. Then I make each of them see each others point. Just like casey and I learned the mirroring tech.
What are they fighting about. Andrew yells b/c someone is looking out HIS window?!?!
Oh Amanda, thanks for all the advice. I love the encouragement!
Laura - this same topic has been on my mind lately. Jacob is so mean to Kaitlyn. She is either being hit by him or ignored by me while I discipline him. Nothing seems to work. I even had a professional come over to observe/help me and she said he had normal 3 year old behavior. I hated that answer. I will not tolerate it, but don't know what to do. I would like to enjoy him - not constantly be on his case about something. I want him to enjoy Kaitlyn. I want peace in my house. I am totally overwhelmed with his behavior towards her.
Anyone want to do a bookstudy with me?..I just ordered a book called Peacemaking for Families (or something like that.) It is from Peacemakers.net, a ministry that teaches people, including young kids, to use the scriptures to resolve conflict, my friends from Montana mentions it her comment below (a heritage and a blessing)...anyway, I will be reading it. Let me know.
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