I can't control my tears. When I feel any strong emotion: joy, anger, embarrassment, hurt, disappointment, tears come. I can't stop them. I've tried. If the emotion is just a little strong, I can sometimes yawn the tears away or maybe stretch my eyes to make them stop. Growing up these uncontrollable tears were a source of extreme embarrassment, which created a double problem. It was terrible to start crying in math class when I couldn't figure out how to do a problem, but even worse to keep crying from the embarrassment of people noticing the first set of tears. Even before I really believed in God, I would pray that nothing would cause me to cry.
While the tears were at times nothing short of horrifying, they had the unexpected bonus of not allowing me to bottle up or stuff any strong emotions. I still regret that I can't command my tear ducts to stop, but as an adult I take more things in stride and tend to feel the strong, tear-inducing emotions less. So the public tears are more infrequent and more appropriate when they do come.
I started pondering my tear reactions two weeks ago, after dealing with H and her temper.
H has the temper that stereotypically accompanies her hair color. When she gets frustrated or embarrassed or angry, she doesn't cry, she gets mad. Sometimes she gets mad at herself, sometimes at other people. Often the reactions are extreme enough that she has to go to her room for cool down. At first, I tried to teach her that she could hit her pillow if she wanted to. But, a pillow was unsatisfying to her and such a suggestion lent itself to reinvention in other physically harmful ways that we don't want to promote. About two weeks ago, H actually threw the wooden stool at the wall while in her room.
So now I have been pondering, what's an appropriate thing to do when angry? I don't want her to stuff it or deny it. Sure, if it is anger as a result of selfishness it would be nice if she could just repent and move on, but that is not a realistic expectation for a 7-year-old. I cry when I get angry (weird, I know). Tom leaves the situation, walks for five minutes and can then usually cope. H isn't old enough to walk around the block. And removing herself from the situation into the comforts of her room is apparently not enough for her little temper. Now what? I'm taking suggestions.
2 comments:
A temper for a child is a hard one to control because you want them to be able to express their emotions...just not in a volatile way. A positive is that you know how she feels about situations. Obviously, you already know the negatives. She is only 7. Kaleb is 11 and we still talk about communication and how important it is to do this when angry, hurt, rejected, etc. Please know that we deal with the same issues and it is hard because for me, it's frustrating. I want both boys to be able to talk their way through situations and sometimes that actually works. On another note...I was glad to see you tonight. I didn't get a chance to talk with you, but next time. I only had one child at TNT and he certainly wasn't in a rush to get home and go to bed. :)
Oh Laura, this is a tough one. I would talk with H when she is rational and together decide what are appropriate and acceptable ways to express her anger (ex. going to her room to punch a pillow or screaming as loud as she can into her pillow, throwing her pillow, etc.). I would also cover what is NOT appropriate (Throwing things that can damage walls...)- and when these ways are violated have a prearranged consequence. Once you are both clear on where the boundaries and the consequences - follow through when necessary. If she is anything like my boys, there will be times of rebellion (plan on it) - checking to see if the boundaries are still in place. I hope this helps - know that I know I don't have all the answers.
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