Learning to let go

Wrote this over a week ago. Just now getting around to posting it.

Like all people, I am prideful. Among other things, I pride myself on being responsible, dependable, and always on time. And if I don't monitor my thoughts, I judge others based on their ability to demonstrate these same characteristics. Sometimes these traits are an accurate meaure of an area a person needs help in, but sometimes, especially for people I don't know, life can just be crazy and make a person appear unreliable. I need to be more gracious.

So I've started these gardening classes. The first week, as I was driving to class, almost 5 minutes from home, I felt nervous. I hadn't done anything like  this in well over a decade. Was I still good at learning? What would people think of me? Still,  I felt incredibly...what's the word to describe it...whole. It had been a long time since I had done something of this magnitude that didn't benefit anyone in my family except me....just me and dirt soil,  and plants and growth and so much happiness.  And I felt guilty. My class ended more than an hour after the girls got home from school. Tom had to rearrange his schedule and break a rule or two to get home in time to watch the girls on Monday. Our dear friend Cody was watching them on Thursdays. I would have to ask more people to watch them during Spring Break. Oh how I wished for a Grandparent near by. And then I spent money, over $200 to take this class. Was it selfish? Is is worth it? If I sound silly to you, you probably aren't a full time mom or a gardener.

Before you start talking to me in your head and telling me what you think of my questions, remember that I am a female. I can have all these thoughts and still think that what I am doing is good. It is good for me and for my girls if I give up control and let someone else handle homework and after school stuff. It is healthy to pursue interests, especially when those interests will enable you to bless others later.  Sometimes I can see and feel the whole picture all at once. Very overwhelming.

The classes so far have been awesome. The teachers are the gardening gurus I imagined they would be. The classes are detailed, practical and mind-spinning. The class on pests even gave me a nightmare about home-invading moths. The teachers have straightened out some gardening myths (marigolds used to help keep pests out of a vegetable garden, but they smelled so bad that no one wanted to use them so the gardening industry bred them to not smell bad.). They've given me a new passion for the health of my soil. They've convinced me never to try and grow an orchard.  It's great.

Here's the rub. No one in that class knows I am reliable, responsible, or even on time. Every week something happens to prove to them that I am otherwise. And in God's grace, I am learning to be okay with that. Some examples:
--To get credit for attending the class, you have to sign in. Easy. No problem. Except I can't seem to remember to do it. I am juggling so many things in my brain that if I sit down on time, I take a deep breath and look around, not sign in. So then the next day, I have to call the director of the class and ask him to sign me in. 
--We have 8 hours of class, 4-6 hours of homework, and 2 take home quizzes every week. Needless to say my free time has disappeared. There is no time for extra errands or emergency trips. At the beginning of each class, you turn in the quiz and at the end, you pick up the new quiz. One class, I had to ask for an extension because Tom had taken my car to work and my finished quiz was in his car at Delta which is a 40 minute round-trip drive from my house. I felt like a high school student with a lame, made-up homework excuse.
--Another time I forgot to pick up the new quiz. I called the class director and had the quiz emailed to me. My printer was out of ink and it wasn't in the budget that week to replace the ink cartridge. I could have printed it at the library, but I've added 12 hours of stuff to my week and there is no time for extra library trips! I turned in a handwritten copy of the quiz!
--Because each class is 4 hours long, some person in class always brings a snack. My snack day was this past Monday. On Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. At all. I tried and tried and by Sunday morning was a blubbering mess. I'd had a reaction to the antibiotic I was taking for strep. It caused irregular heart beats and this pumped adrenaline into my body. Adrenaline is not designed for sleeping. So Monday when I was supposed to be making snack for my class, I was trying to sleep or going to the doctor's office. I never did sleep and I ended up late to class with the snacks because I was determined to make my original ideas which required time. Being late to class with snack means everyone turns and looks at you....interrupting the woody ornamentals god to explain why I was late and to please-wake- me up-if-I- fell-asleep didn't seem appropriate. The awesome part was that somewhere in the panic to make the snacks (popcorn, a veggie tray with dip, and worms and dirt--pudding, cookie crumbs, and gummy worms), I heard God whisper. He reminded me that He loves me and the people in that class are as judgemental as I usually am about being late, etc. it doesn't matter. Let them stare! I am a child of God. At that point, I stopped hurrying and enjoyed making those worms and dirt.

Now if I can just be more gracious....