Empty nester for the school days

I've imagined yesterday, the first day both girls would be in school all day, for over a year. (Yes, Kindergarten is an all-day gig here). I've fretted, gotten excited, and cried--all before the day came. Here's the truth: while Kassy's food allergies make school a bit more difficult, I was ready--so ready I almost felt guilty. I didn't cry and I didn't feel sad. Okay, okay, when we were praying morning prayers and Kassy started sobbing saying she wanted help not feeling nervous, I shed some tears, but that was it.

Yesterday and today are my adjustment days. A little bit of extra time to relax. Now, here's what scares me. I've been home, for seven years. The only skills I've perfected have to do with mothering. I didn't go to college for seven years (thankfully); I didn't teach for seven years; I didn't work for a publishing company for seven years. Now what? Who will I be? I can start again and reinvent my future.

We live in Michigan, home of the worst economy in the nation, for almost a decade. People don't stay home with kids after they start school so I don't have any examples to mimic. And I doubt I could get hired as a teacher--almost no one gets hired here, just laid off. And as I wonder what to do next, I 've been confronted by my own insecurities. Turns out that even after staying home for seven years, I still place a disproportionate amount of value on jobs. Let's say my "Finished" list at the end of the day reads: emptied dishwasher, put laundry away, cleaned four windows outdoors, called my mom, called friend to see how she was feeling, weeded garden, read one chapter in a book for book club, updated my blog, prepared for interview for magazine article, prepared dinner mostly before the kids got home so I could focus on them when time came, helped Hads with homework, drove to soccer practice, cleaned up dinner; read to, snugglied with, and prayed with both girls before bed, prepared lunches for tomorrow.  My brain focuses on "prepared for interview for magazine article." It reads this list item as "the only job-like thing" on the list and placess more importance on that accomplishment than the others.

Ok, I tell myself, reread the list. What might be glorifying to God on that list? Serving my family by helping to keep things organized and clean, serving my family by making sure what they eat is healthy and good for them, loving people by spending time and calling them. Yes, Yes, Yes. That's who I want to be. But, I still read the list and place importance on the job-like thing. Oh I have a lot of growing to do because I don't write most of these things down on my to-do lists. So at the end of the day if the list has just three "jobs" accomplished. I feel like I didn't do much.

So that's the mental jump I need to make. (For the record, this is a post about what I am learning, not a post about why women should or should not stay home) Still, you wonder, what is Laura going to do? I assure you there is plenty. For one, exercise. I've never climbed this mountain in my life. I've started the ascent but never gone far enough to see the view at the top.  I am slowly setting up exercise partners and placing a priority on this task. Two--write. In my dreams, I would make enough money freelance writing to not need another job. Never mind that with all the newspapers going out of business that the freelance market is saturated with better trained, more experienced writers.  I still want to try. And after seven years of 24/7 mom duty, I am giving myself the gift of trying for at least this school year. What else? I will be in the girls' school doing picture parent lessons(art history lessons) and helping in other ways. I have a Bible study I love and some mom friends to hang out with and do the book club thing. And then there is the long list of household projects that I never get to. Maybe now?

But dang it, I am doing it now-- telling you my plans and hoping you won't think me lame or lazy because my goals aren't more concrete, my time isn't more filled. But that's the gift of this season for me, unfilled time. I 've been guarding it, trying not to volunteer for every need that presents itself. Soaking up time with the Lord more. Waiting to see, what does He have for me now? I could fill my time, find a job. But I might miss His direction. Wait, Laura, wait. Be still and know that I am God. I wonder when my philosophies will match my reality?

Oh and Kassy? She liked Kindergarten. She is treading cautiously. Watching others, staring with those big brown eyes and waiting. Waiting to see if this classroom will be a safe place to show others who she is, hoping no one will bother her for having "special" snacks, looking for a distressed little girl who is shy too that she can befriend. Oh she is precious and I might cry if I keep writing about her. Sometime I will post about how we manage food issues in Kindergarten.
For now, it's 2 pm, time to start dinner prep!